This story began in May 2022 and was captured on this website. It accounted for the day I met with my new neighbour, Julie Baker, who was just moving into the house directly opposite me. Everything was going well, with visits and coffee chats foretold for the future, right up to the time I asked her what her interests were. And she said she collected snakes.
She had her own video show called Snake Boss, had 5 million followers and was the sort of equivalent to Steve Irwin in America for her showmanship with poisonous and venomous reptiles.
It was the end of a beautiful friendship. Even before it began.
Now, fast forward a year, to this morning in fact. Just out of the shower, with dripping wet hair, I was suddenly aware of the rumble of the garbage truck as it made its way down our cul-de-sac.
“Damn, I had forgotten to put the bins out the night before. Throwing on a smock and grabbing a pair of flipflops I rushed outside, grabbed the bins in either hand, and hurtled down the drive, just in time to put them in place for emptying.
Sighing with gratified relief, I made my way back up the drive, returned the bins to their place, and only now became aware of a cacaphony of excited birds circling in and out of the trees.. I made my way back to the front door, only to find the reason for the excitement.
A huge python was slowly settling itself across the top step, completely oblivious of the avian concerto.. And the back door was still locked.
Now, if I hadn’t made it clear before, I border on paranoia when it comes to legless reptiles, so the morning was instantly upgraded to the worst day of my life.
Sadly aware of my lack of apparel and dripping wet hair, there was nothing for it but to cross the road, stand on the edge of Snake Boss’s property, and call her by name loudly and with just a hint of hysteria in my voice. At the same time, I was also conscious of the many cars and utes parked in the front yard, so I was prepared to apologise later for interrupting any party or sleepovers she was having.
She came to the door.
“Have you lost one of your legless friends?” I said, “Because I’ve got a whopper sleeping on my balcony.
Surprisingly, she grinned with delight. “Great, I’ll call the boys.”
Disappearing for a moment, I heard her call out, “Grab your gear, we’re going over the road.”
Moments later, half a dozen young men, complete with cameras, booms, lights etc., came dashing out, practically bowling me over in their eagerness to cross the road and invade my balcony. Snake Boss was leading the charge, shouting out directions. And it was all in German.
Of course, all the commotion woke up Pete the Python, who slowly undulated his way up the front posts and wrapped himself around the palings, while the four-man camera crew snapped into action, following his lazy journey onto the roof, and then a small neighbouring shrub.
With the front steps now free from reptilian invaders, I made a quick dash up the steps and inside to hunt for my phone, and from a safe distance joined the circus underway outside, providing my own directives of what to do with Pete.
“Take him for a ride in the car, a long ride. …. Is he a he or a she? …Do you think she has any family members in the vicinity …Check all the bushes while you’re there…. The whole garden, the whole neighbourhood.”
“He’s harmless. Only young. Come on over and give him a stroke.
A few more minutes and while still murmuring endearments, she popped Pete into a bag and began to make her way back across the road to the Reptile Plantation.
One of the crew members lingered a little longer and then approached me, furnishing a clipboard and pen.
He wanted to know if it was okay if they used the footage in a forthcoming show, to be aired early next year. Apparently, the Snake Boss Show has been sold to Paramount, a subscription service, so Julie is now starting up a new show with her German company to be called The Snake Sheila. I believe I may even feature in my five seconds of fame as the screaming suburban old lady desperately in need of such services. Come to think of it, I played the part rather well! I just wish I had been wearing more clothes, and hadn’t got my hair in curlers!
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